mere darzi se aaj meri jung ho gyi

Girl:"Janu kal mera b’day hai,

Girl:"Janu kal mera b’day hai,
.
.
Boy:"Darling Advance me happy b’day,
.
.
Girl:"kya gift doge..
.
.
Boy:"kya chaiye..
.
.
Girl:"RING...
.
.
.
.
Boy:"Ring dunga par uthana mat BALANCE nahi hai...

एक मासूम हिमालय की तराई में भेड़े चरा रहा था

एक मासूम हिमालय की तराई में भेड़े चरा रहा था, तभी वहा से एक गुज़रते हुए पर्यटक ने लड़के से पूछा, "ये भेड़े कितना दूध देती है ?"

लड़का: कौनसी, सफ़ेद वाली या काली वाली ?

पर्यटक: सफ़ेद वाली।

लड़का: 3 लीटर।

पर्यटक: और काली वाली ?

लड़का: ये भी 3 लीटर देती है।

पर्यटक: ये ऊन कितनी देती है।

लड़का: कौनसी सफ़ेद वाली या काली वाली ?

पर्यटक: सफ़ेद वाली।

लड़का: 5 किलो।

पर्यटक: और काली वाली ?

लड़का: वो भी 5 किलो।

पर्यटक: अबे साले जब ये दूध बराबर देती है, ऊन बराबर देती है तो फिर ये काली भेड़ ,सफ़ेद भेड़ क्या लगा रखी है?

लड़का: जी वो बात ये है की ये सफ़ेद भेड़ मेरे पिताजी की है।

पर्यटक: और ये काली भेड़ ?

लड़का: ये भी मेरे पिताजी की ही है

Barber: baal chote karne hai?.

Barber: baal chote karne hai?......Me-"Saale tu bade bhi kar saktahai kya?" 

Technological Mistake

Late night, boy drops the girl at her home, on the gate, he puts his hand onthe wall n says; "can I kiss u

Girl:" nhi aaj nhi..

Boy:" plz ??

Girl:" no..

Boy:" de do na jaan ??

Girl:" no yaar abhi nahi..
.
This continues for 10 mints,

Then Girl's little brother appears on door, says;
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"papa keh rahe hai, tum ise kiss do ya na do tumhari marzi..

par is begairat se kaho INTERCOM k button se hath utha le..

Iski bakwas pura ghar sun raha hai.................

Welcome to Haryana: aage Jat rahte hain

Ranking of Haryana Engineering Colleges recommended by Vikram Madhosinghana

1 YMCA Institute of Engg, Faridabad---Computer Engg. 2 YMCA Institute of Engg, Faridabad---Electronics and Communication Engg. 3 YMCA Institute of Engg, Faridabad---Mechanical Engg. 4 YMCA Institute of Engg, Faridabad---Electrical Engg. 5 Deen Bandhu Chhotu Ram Univ. of Sc. and Tech, Murthal, Sonipat---Computer Engg. 6 YMCA Institute of Engg, Faridabad---Information Technology 7 Deen Bandhu Chhotu Ram Univ. of Sc. and Tech, Murthal, Sonipat---Electronics and Communication Engg. 8 Deen Bandhu Chhotu Ram Univ. of Sc. and Tech, Murthal, Sonipat---Mechanical Engg. 9 YMCA Institute of Engg, Faridabad---Electronics and Instrumentation 10 Deen Bandhu Chhotu Ram Univ. of Sc. and Tech, Murthal, Sonipat---Electrical Engg. 11 Deen Bandhu Chhotu Ram Univ. of Sc. and Tech, Murthal, Sonipat---Civil Engg. 12 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Kurukshetra University, Kurukshetra---Mechanical Engg. 13 Deen Bandhu Chhotu Ram Univ. of Sc. and Tech, Murthal, Sonipat---Chemical Engg. 14 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Kurukshetra University, Kurukshetra---Computer Science and Engg. 15 Technological Instt. of Textiles and Sciences, Birla Colony, Bhiwani---Textile Chemistry 16 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Kurukshetra University, Kurukshetra---Electronics and Communication Engg. 17 Guru Jambheshwar University of Science and Technology, Hisar---Mechanical Engg. 18 Deen Bandhu Chhotu Ram Univ. of Sc. and Tech, Murthal, Sonipat---Bio Technology 19 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Maharishi Dayanand University, Rohtak---Mechanical Engg. 20 Seth Jaiprakash Mukandlal Inst. of Engg and Tech, Radaur, Yamunanagar---Computer Science and Engg. 21 Technological Instt. of Textiles and Sciences, Birla Colony, Bhiwani---Computer Science and Engg. 22 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Maharishi Dayanand University, Rohtak---Computer Science and Engg. 23 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Maharishi Dayanand University, Rohtak---Electronics and Communication Engg. 24 Deen Bandhu Chhotu Ram Univ. of Sc. and Tech, Murthal, Sonipat---Bio Medical Engg. 25 Seth Jaiprakash Mukandlal Inst. of Engg and Tech, Radaur, Yamunanagar---Electronics and Communication Engg. 26 Seth Jaiprakash Mukandlal Inst. of Engg and Tech, Radaur, Yamunanagar---Mechanical Engg. 27 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Maharishi Dayanand University, Rohtak---Civil Engg. 28 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Kurukshetra University, Kurukshetra---Bio Technology 29 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Maharishi Dayanand University, Rohtak---Electrical Engg. 30 Guru Jambheshwar University of Science and Technology, Hisar---Electronics and Communication Engg. 31 Guru Jambheshwar University of Science and Technology, Hisar---Computer Science and Engg. 32 Seth Jaiprakash Mukandlal Inst. of Engg and Tech, Radaur, Yamunanagar---Electrical Engg. 33 Seth Jaiprakash Mukandlal Inst. of Engg and Tech, Radaur, Yamunanagar---Information Technology 34 Ch. Devi Lal Mem Engg. College, Paniwala Motta, Sirsa---Mechanical Engg. 35 College of Agriculture Engg. and Tech., Ch. Charan Singh Haryana Agricultural University, Hisar---Agriculture Engg. 36 Technological Instt. of Textiles and Sciences, Birla Colony, Bhiwani---Electronics and Communication Engg. 37 Manav Rachna College of Engg., Faridabad---Computer Science and Engg. 38 Guru Jambheshwar University of Science and Technology, Hisar---Information Technology 39 Manav Rachna College of Engg., Faridabad---Mechanical Engg. 40 Ch. Devi Lal Mem Engg. College, Paniwala Motta, Sirsa---Civil Engg. 41 Institute of Instrumentation Engg, Kurukshetra University, Kurukshetra---Instrumention Engg 42 Ch. Devi Lal Mem Engg. College, Paniwala Motta, Sirsa---Electronics and Communication Engg. 43 Ch. Devi Lal Mem Engg. College, Paniwala Motta, Sirsa---Computer Science and Engg. 44 Ch. Devi Lal Mem Engg. College, Paniwala Motta, Sirsa---Electrical Engg. 45 Technological Instt. of Textiles and Sciences, Birla Colony, Bhiwani---Textile Technology 46 Technological Instt. of Textiles and Sciences, Birla Colony, Bhiwani---Electronics and Instrumentation 47 Technological Instt. of Textiles and Sciences, Birla Colony, Bhiwani---Information Technology 48 Seth Jaiprakash Mukandlal Inst. of Engg and Tech, Radaur, Yamunanagar---Chemical Engg. 49 Manav Rachna College of Engg., Faridabad---Electronics and Communication Engg. 50 Vaish College of Engg., Rohtak---Mechanical Engg. 51 Seth Jaiprakash Mukandlal Inst. of Engg and Tech, Radaur, Yamunanagar---Applied Electronics and Instrumentation 52 University Instt. of Engg. and Tech, Maharishi Dayanand University, Rohtak---Bio Technology 53 Ambala College of Engg and App. Research, Mithapur, Ambala---Computer Science and Engg. 54 Manav Rachna College of Engg., Faridabad---Information Technology 55 Guru Jambheshwar University of Science and Technology, Hisar---Packaging Technology 56 Ambala College of Engg and App. Research, Mithapur, Ambala---Mechanical Engg. 57 Ch. Devi Lal Mem Engg. College, Paniwala Motta, Sirsa---Food Technology 58 Hindu College of Engg., Sonipat---Mechanical Engg. 59 Guru Jambheshwar University of Science and Technology, Hisar---Food Engg. 60 Guru Jambheshwar University of Science and Technology, Hisar---Printing  and Packaging Technology 61 Seth Jaiprakash Mukandlal Inst. of Engg and Tech, Radaur, Yamunanagar---Bio Technology 62 Manav Rachna College of Engg., Faridabad---Electronics and Communication Engg. (2nd shift) 63 Ambala College of Engg and App. Research, Mithapur, Ambala---Electronics and Communication Engg. 64 Manav Rachna College of Engg., Faridabad---Computer Science and Engg. (2nd shift) 65 Guru Jambheshwar University of Science and Technology, Hisar---Bio Medical Engg. 66 Dronacharya College of Engg, Frukhnagar, Gurgaon---Mechanical Engg. 67 BSA Institute of Technology and Management, Ballabgarh Sohna Road, Alampur, District Faridabad---Mechanical Engg. 68 Hindu College of Engg., Sonipat---Computer Science and Engg. 69 Jai Parkash Mukand Lal Innovative Engg. And Technology Institute, Radaur, District Yamunanagar---Computer Science and Engg. 70 Vaish College of Engg., Rohtak---Computer Science and Engg. 71 Vaish College of Engg., Rohtak---Electrical Engg. 72 Technological Instt. of Textiles and Sciences, Birla Colony, Bhiwani---Fashion and Apparel Engg. 73 Institute of Mass Communication and Media Tech., Kurukshetra University, Kurukshetra---Printing Graphics and Packaging 74 Hindu College of Engg., Sonipat---Civil Engg. 75 Bhagwan Mahavir Jain Institute of Tech, Sonipat---Electrical and Electronics Engg. 76 Jan Nayak Ch. Devilal College of Engg, Sirsa---Mechanical Engg. 77 Vaish College of Engg., Rohtak---Electronics and Communication Engg. 78 Kurukshetra Instt. of Tech. and Mgt., Kurukshetra---Mechanical Engg. 79 BRCM College of Engg. and Technology, Bahal, Bhiwani---Civil Engg. 80 Gurgaon College of Engg. , Bilaspur Tauru Road, Gurgaon---Civil Engg. 81 Dronacharya College of Engg, Frukhnagar, Gurgaon---Computer Engg. 82 Sh. Baba Mast Nath Institute of Engg. College, Asthal Bohar, Rohtak---Electrical Engg. 83 BRCM College of Engg. and Technology, Bahal, Bhiwani---Mechanical Engg. 84 Dronacharya College of Engg, Frukhnagar, Gurgaon---Civil Engg. 85 Lingayas GVKS Institute of Management and Tech., Kanwara, Old Faridabad, Jasand Road, Faridabad---Computer Sc. and Engg 86 Hindu College of Engg., Sonipat---Electronics and Communication Engg. 87 Bhagwan Mahavir Jain Institute of Tech, Sonipat---Computer Science and Engg. 88 Vaish College of Engg., Rohtak---Information Technology 89 Gurgaon Instt. Of Technology and Mgt., Gurgaon---Mechanical Engg. 90 Dronacharya College of Engg, Frukhnagar, Gurgaon---Electronics and Communication Engg. 91 Jai Parkash Mukand Lal Innovative Engg. And Technology Institute, Radaur, District Yamunanagar---Electronics and Communication Engg. 92 Jan Nayak Ch. Devilal College of Engg, Sirsa---Civil Engg. 93 Hindu College of Engg., Sonipat---Electrical Engg. 94 Sh. Baba Mast Nath Institute of Engg. College, Asthal Bohar, Rohtak---Civil Engg. 95 Echelon Institute of Technology, Village Kabulpur, District Faridabad---Mechanical Engg. 96 Lingayas GVKS Institute of Management and Tech., Kanwara, Old Faridabad, Jasand Road, Faridabad---Electronics and Communication Engg. 97 Lingayas GVKS Institute of Management and Tech., Kanwara, Old Faridabad, Jasand Road, Faridabad---Information Technology 98 BSA Institute of Technology and Management, Ballabgarh Sohna Road, Alampur, District Faridabad---Computer Engg. 99 NC College of Engg., Israna, District Panipat---Civil Engg. 100 BRCM College of Engg. and Technology, Bahal, Bhiwani---Electronics and Communication Engg. 101 Bhagwan Mahavir Jain Institute of Tech, Sonipat---Information Technology 102 Gurgaon Instt. Of Technology and Mgt., Gurgaon---Electronics and Communication Engg. 103 Gurgaon Instt. Of Technology and Mgt., Gurgaon---Electronics and Communication Engg. (2nd shift) 104 Dronacharya College of Engg, Frukhnagar, Gurgaon---Electronics and Computer Engg. 105 Kurukshetra Instt. of Tech. and Mgt., Kurukshetra---Computer Science and Engg. 106 NC College of Engg., Israna, District Panipat---Mechanical Engg. 107 NC College of Engg., Israna, District Panipat---Computer Sc. and Engg 108 Advanced Institute of Technology and Management, Delhi Mathura Road, Palwal, Faridabad---Electronics and Comm. Engg. 109 BRCM College of Engg. and Technology, Bahal, Bhiwani---Electrical and Electronics Engg. 110 BSA Institute of Technology and Management, Ballabgarh Sohna Road, Alampur, District Faridabad---Information Technology 111 Dronacharya College of Engg, Frukhnagar, Gurgaon---Information Technology 112 KIIT College of Engg., Sohna Bhondsi Road, Gurgaon---Computer Sc. and Engg 113 Geeta Institute of Management and Technology, Kanipla, GT Road, District Kurukshetra---Civil Engg. 114 Kurukshetra Instt. of Tech. and Mgt., Kurukshetra---Electronics and Communication Engg. 115 Echelon Institute of Technology, Village Kabulpur, District Faridabad---Electronics and Communication Engg. 116 Jan Nayak Ch. Devilal College of Engg, Sirsa---Electrical and Electronics Engg. 117 BSA Institute of Technology and Management, Ballabgarh Sohna Road, Alampur, District Faridabad---Electronics and Communication Engg. 118 Sh. Baba Mast Nath Institute of Engg. College, Asthal Bohar, Rohtak---Electronics and Communication Engg. 119 Haryana College of Technology and Management, Ambala Road, Kaithal---Mechanical Engg. 120 Sh. Baba Mast Nath Institute of Engg. College, Asthal Bohar, Rohtak---Mechanical Engg. 121 Jan Nayak Ch. Devilal College of Engg, Sirsa---Computer Science and Engg. 122 P.D.M. College of Engg.,  Bahadurgarh, Jhajjar---Mechanical Engg. 123 Jai Parkash Mukand Lal Innovative Engg. And Technology Institute, Radaur, District Yamunanagar---Mechanical Engg. 124 Bhagwan Mahavir Jain Institute of Tech, Sonipat---Electronics and Communication Engg. 125 BRCM College of Engg. and Technology, Bahal, Bhiwani---Computer Science and Engg. 126 KIIT College of Engg., Sohna Bhondsi Road, Gurgaon---Civil Engg. 127 Echelon Institute of Technology, Village Kabulpur, District Faridabad---Computer Sc. and Engg 128 NC College of Engg., Israna, District Panipat---Electronics and Communication Engg. 129 P.D.M. College of Engg.,  Bahadurgarh, Jhajjar---Electronics and Communication Engg. 130 Panipat Institute of Engg. And Technology, Samalkha, District Panipat---Computer Sc. and Engg 131 Jai Parkash Mukand Lal Innovative Engg. And Technology Institute, Radaur, District Yamunanagar---Civil Engg. 132 Gurgaon College of Engg. , Bilaspur Tauru Road, Gurgaon---Mechanical Engg. 133 Ambala College of Engg and App. Research, Mithapur, Ambala---Bio Technology 134 Jan Nayak Ch. Devilal College of Engg, Sirsa---Electronics and Communication Engg. 135 Haryana College of Technology and Management, Ambala Road, Kaithal---Computer Science and Engg. 136 P.D.M. College of Engg.,  Bahadurgarh, Jhajjar---Computer Science and Engg. 137 Advanced College of Technology and Management, Village Aurangabad, Tehsil Hodal, District Palwal---Electronics and Communication Engg. 138 Jan Nayak Ch. Devilal College of Engg, Sirsa---Information Technology 139 Geeta Institute of Management and Technology, Kanipla, GT Road, District Kurukshetra---Computer Sc. and Engg 140 P.D.M. College of Engg.,  Bahadurgarh, Jhajjar---Mechanical Engg. (2nd Shift) 141 Haryana College of Technology and Management, Ambala Road, Kaithal---Civil Engg. 142 Haryana College of Technology and Management, Ambala Road, Kaithal---Electronics and Communication Engg. 143 Advanced Institute of Technology and Management, Delhi Mathura Road, Palwal, Faridabad---Mechanical Engg. 144 Advanced College of Technology and Management, Village Aurangabad, Tehsil Hodal, District Palwal---Electrical and Electronics Engg. 145 Geeta Institute of Management and Technology, Kanipla, GT Road, District Kurukshetra---Electronics and Comm. Engg. 146 Gurgaon Instt. Of Technology and Mgt., Gurgaon---Computer Science and Engg. 147 Geeta Institute of Management and Technology, Kanipla, GT Road, District Kurukshetra---Mechanical Engg. 148 Haryana Institute of Technology, Bahadurgarh, District Jhajjar---Mechanical Engg. 149 Echelon Institute of Technology, Village Kabulpur, District Faridabad---Civil Engg. 150 Haryana Institute of Technology, Bahadurgarh, District Jhajjar---Computer Sc. and Engg

I am SECULAR, SPECTACULAR, A BACHELOR!

GABBAR motivating a reluctant KAALIA before a looting spree in Kishangarh.

KAALIA: Sardar, Gaon wale already inflation, mehngi bijli, economic slowdown se mar rahe hain. Loote huon ko aur kya bolke loote ?
GABBAR: Tell them, atleast we are SECULAR!

Gabbar breaks into a dance.
I am SECULAR, SPECTACULAR, A BACHELOR!
SAMBHA (teasing): Pappu can't dance Saala!! Ho Ho.

KAALIA: SECULAR? Iska matlab kya hota hai Sardar?
GABBAR: Matlab Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Isai. Humne sabki Jeb barabaar kaati hai Bhai .Hahahahahahahahaha. Hum sabko equally treat karte hain!!
KAALIA: Hmm..means we oppress everyone equally!! But Gaon wale prefer Jai Veeru!
GABBAR: Unko bolo, They are COMMUNAL ? Roj Prime Time par Ghodon par jaao aur chillao, they are COMMUNAL ?
KAALIA: Sardar, Communal kya hota hai?
GABBAR: Jo minorities ke against hote hain!
KAALIA: To SARDAR minority nahin hoti kya Sardar?
GABBAR: Kahna kya chahte ho tum?
KAALIA: Matlab aapne bhi to Gaon ke SARDAR, THAKUR ke haath kaate the? Uski family ko marwaya tha. Gaon mein innocent logon par goliyan barsai thi. To aap SECULAR KAISE HUE ?
GABBAR: Because that was way back in 84!

Courtesy: Nitin Gupta

स्वाद लेन के जी म थी

एक बार अपने रलदु क स्वाद लेन के जी म थी....

उसने करया फोन एक दुकान आले ध्होरे.....

रलदु : हेलो, फ्रिज स के ??

दुकानदार : हाँ है!!

रलदु : फ्रिज चाले भी है के.... ?
दुकानदार : हाँ चालया करे....

रलदु : फेर उसने पकड़ ले मेरी सासु के नहीं त भाज ज्यागा

थोड़ी हान मे फेर रलदु ने फोन बीड़ा दिया....

रलदु : फ्रिज स के भाई.... ?

दुकानदार (छो मे आ के) : नहीं है!!

रलदु : तेर त पहल्या ए कही थी अक पकड़ ले नहीं त भाज ज्यागा....

लगाना है तो "मोदी" पर दाव लगाओ, सटा तो बिंदू भी लगता है

1. Admin creative होना चाहिए, Postतो Postman भी करता है....

२. लड़की सच बोल के दिल जीते, मीठा तो तोता भी बोलता है..

3. प्यार सच्चा होना चाहिए, अंधा तो कानून भी होता है...

4. दोस्त पर भरोसा होना चाहिये, वरना विश्वास तो शक्तिमान की गीता भी है...

5. मुद्रा रूपये होना चाहिए डालर तो underwear भी होता है...

6. कुत्ता काटने वाला होना चाहिए, भौकाता तो दिग्गी भी है........

7. आदमी मजाकिया होना चाहिए गंभीरतो गौतम भी है......

8. लड़की औरत होनी चाहिए, महेला तो साला "जयवर्धने" भी है........

9. लड़की दिल की साफ़ होनी चाहिये"Bold" और "Curve" तो Blackberry भी है.....

10. देश में शांति होनी चाहिये सोनिया के घर में राहु- ल भी है.....

11. लडकी काम काजी होनी चाहए शरीफ तो नवाज भी है......

12. बाल मजबूत और घने होने चाहिए मुलायम तो "यादव जी" भी हैं.....

13. लड़का दिमाग वाला होना चाहिए, इंजिनियर तो ओसामा बिन लादेन भी था....

14. लड़की सुन्दर होनी चाहिए. हॉट तो पराठे भी होते है...
15. बलम को आँख मारनी चाहेये,
पिचकारी तो vicki donar भी मारता है
16. रात गुलाबी होनी चाहिए,
अँधेरी तो स्टेशन भी है
17. स्वर्ग म पोर्न स्टार होनी चाहिए,
अप्सरा तो पेंसिल भी होती है
18. लगाना है तो "मोदी" पर दाव लगाओ,
सटा तो बिंदू भी लगता है

19. लेखनी में "भगत सिंह " जसी आग होनी चाहिए,
शायरी तो हमारी गली का नाइ भी कर लेता है

20. सेना हो तो भारतीय सेना जैसी हो,
वरना हिजड़ो की फौज तो पाकिस्तान में भी है

21. इस तरह की पोस्ट चालू रहनी चाहिए
वरना बन्द तो मनमोहन सिंह का मुँह भी रहता है

Copied from IITD confessions facebook page

There was this really cool professor. He was really friendly with the students. So we had to work on this term paper for his course. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those two were medically certifiable illness or a death in the immediate family.

There was this notorious student in the back of the classroom who always tried to outsmart the professors. He waved his hand and asked, “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

When the students settled down, the professor glared at the student, smiled, and said, “Well, I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

Wife-Lagta hai Hamari beti ki kisi ke saath setting ho gyi hai

Wife:-Lagta hai Hamari beti ki
kisi ke
saath setting ho gyi hai . . .:D
.
.
Husband:-Tumhe kaise
pataa ? ? ? ? ? .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
Wife:-Bahut Din ho gaye mobile
Recharge ke Paise nahi maange
usne . . .

bharat ki azadi me gandhi ka haath